La vie de couple

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Les ingrédients pour réussir sa vie de couple

Lors des « Chéva Bérahots », dans la sixième bénédiction, nous demandons à Hachem qu’il vienne réjouir le couple, comme il le fit pour Adam et Hava au Gan Eden. Mettons l’accent sur quelques points de la vie de ces derniers.

Adam et Hava étaient seuls au monde

Depuis la possibilité de comparaison existe. il faut donc que le couple se crée un monde à part, une île, où la comparaison et la jalousie n’ont pas leur place. Il faut donc ne jamais dire des phrases telles que:

  • Lui, il (elle) est…, et toi !…
  • Il (elle) a mieux réussi que toi !…
  • Il (elle) est plus doué, intelligent(e) que toi ! etc.

Toute phrase de ce genre est blessante et l’idéal est de l’exclure même de notre pensée.

Nous sommes mariés pour la vie

L’acceptation de cette vérité donne une sensation d’assurance et de confiance. Rien n’est plus important dans la vie d’un couple. La simple pensée d’envisager la possibilité d’une rupture, d’une séparation, est grave en soi, à plus forte raison l’exprimer même par allusion est le début d’une démarche intellectuelle amenant à la destruction du couple.
Deux personnes conscientes ensemble sur « leur île » feront le maximum pour la réussite de leur couple. Elles comprendront que chacun ne doit voir chez l’autre que les côtés positifs.
Même après de longues fiançailles, le lendemain du mariage, vous découvrirez en l’autre une personne différente de celle que vous croyiez connaître, de nouvelles qualités, mais aussi parfois des lacunes. La pensée que votre mariage est éternel vous permettra de ne mettre en évidence que les vertus de l’autre en faisant l’impasse sur ses imperfections, comme vous le faites pour vous-même.

Hachem a organisé lui-même le Chidoukh

(rencontre) entre Adam et Hava
il en est de même pour tous les couples. Une fois admis ce postulat, il devient clair pour nous que les deux caractères sont complémentaires et nous en serons convaincus.
Il n’ y a pas de couple qui ne puisse réussir; il n’ y a pas que des couples mal conseillés, ou pas conseillés, du tout ou encore, qui ne s’investissent pas assez.
Dans la Torah, Hava est décrite comme un morceau de la chair d’Adam; Les deux partenaires du couple sont les deux composants d’une seule entité, les deux sont une création d’Hachem.
Alors, nous viendrait-il à l’esprit que l’un peut, où doit changer l’autre ? Au lieu de dire « Je vais arriver à le faire changer », il faut dire ou penser : « nous sommes chacun différent de l’autre, associons nos différences pour créer un ensemble harmonieux ». Il faut enraciner cette pensée qu’Hachem a crée dans le ciel une seule entité, qu’il en a fait ensuite deux, « l’homme et la femme »; à nous maintenant de recréer cette unité. Si la construction est mal agencée, chacun doit trouver en lui-même le moyen de le parfaire.
En fin de compte, un couple ayant après plusieurs années réussi cette symbiose voit que, sans le savoir, chacun influe sur son partenaire au point que souvent on les prend pour frère et sœur.
Le « moi » et le « toi » doivent faire place à une entité nouvelle : la famille.
Rien d’étonnant alors à ce qu’on raconte : « La femme d’un Juste dut consulter un médecin. Le mari prit la parole et exposa : « la jambe de ma femme nous fait mal. »

L’amour désintéressé

« Tout amour basé sur un intérêt quelconque, l’amour disparaîtra si l’intérêt disparaît. Seul l’amour désintéressé perdure. » (Michna Avot chapitre 5, michna 16).

Celui qui s’est marié uniquement pour recevoir s’est marié pour lui même et pour l’amour de soi. En d’autres termes, il s’agit d’un amour intéressé. En revanche, si l’on se marie pour donner et non pas pour recevoir, l’amour est appelé à durer jusqu’à a fin des temps. Ce n’est pas tout : plus on donnera et plus l’amour grandira. On le voit dans l’amour que portent les parents à leurs enfants : ils s’investissent en permanence pour assurer leur bonheur, leur devenir et leur avenir. Le véritable amour se construit après la Hatouna (mariage), lorsque chacun commence à donner vraiment à l’autre.

Et tu aimeras ton prochain comme toi-même

Sur le comportement que l’homme doit avoir vis-à-vis de sa femme, la Guémara nous dit : « il l’aimera comme soi-même, mais il la respectera plus que soi-même ».
Il l’aimera : nos Hakhamim’s (Sages) l’ont appris du verset « Et tu aimeras ton prochain comme toi-même ». Cette mitsva est vérifiée à chaque instant dans le couple, comme l’a traduit notre maître Hillel hazaken (Hillel le sage): « Ne fais pas à autrui ce que tu ne voudrais pas que l’on te fasse ».
A titre de contre-exemple, citons le cas courant d’un couple où l’un des conjoints dit une ineptie et où l’autre, pour se démarquer, est le premier à faire un commentaire désobligeant, allant par là même à l’encontre de la pensée de nos sages.

La réprimande

Il ne faut pas réprimander son prochain sous l’effet de la colère ou en présence d’autrui.
Si une réprimande s’effectue devant une tierce personne, elle n’atteindra pas le but recherché, car le réprimandé n’aura de cesse de se justifier pour conserver intacte son image.De même, réprimander sous l’empire de la colère entraîne une réponse elle aussi irréfléchie. Il en résultera un conflit, et non pas une discussion constructive pour le bien du couple.Bien entendu, ceci est valable aussi en dehors du couple.En conclusion, évitons d’avoir des discussions conflictuelles en présence de témoins, mais attendons plutôt un moment propice, dans l’intimité de la maison, sans aucune autre présence (même celle des enfants), et dans un esprit paisible, en n’ayant qu’un but : construire le couple et ne pas s’ériger en censeur (comme le disait le Rav Naouri zatsal ,avant de faire une réprimande, mets du miel sous la langue) .De même, il ne faut pas en permanence faire des remarques à son conjoint ; avant d’en faire une, il faut se demander si elle est indispensable et le cas échéant, bien réfléchir à sa formulation.

Juger avec bienveillance

Ne cherchez pas les problèmes en regardant votre vie à la loupe. Vous vous aimez et il serait regrettable, à la suite d’une phrase à double sens, de ne retenir que celui qui possède une connotation négative. N’oublions pas que votre volonté est de faire le bonheur de l’autre. Pourquoi chercher la petite bête alors que les actions de l’autre, les plus nombreuses et les plus importantes d’entre elles, n’ont qu’un but, le bien du foyer ?Si malgré tout cela la rancune persiste, évacuez-la vite, car elle est source de nuisance pour soi-même et ses proches. Le meilleur moyen de l’évacuer est, comme dit précédemment,une discussion claire, et empreinte de sérénité, en essayant d’appliquer le principe de Lekaf Zekhout. Souvenez-vous que si vous vous érigez en procureur contre votre conjoint, c’est la preuve que votre message n’a pas été compris, par manque de dialogue ou de compréhension

Le respect

Nos sages ont dit : “Aime ta femme comme toi-même” et ont ajouté : “Honore la plus que toi-même”.Quelle différence font-ils entre honneur et amour ? L’hécatombe des élèves de Rabbi Akiva est expliquée dans le Talmud : “ils sont morts, car ils ne se sont pas honorés les uns les autres”. C’est pour nous source d’étonnement. Comment est-il possible que les élèves de la célèbre yéchiva de Rabbi Akiva qui prônait en permanence cet adage “Tu aimeras ton prochain comme toi-même” – c’est un grand principe de la Torah – sois mort à cause de la non-observance de ce principe ?

Et nos sages d’expliquer qu’hélas, ils se portaient à eux-mêmes une telle affection qu’ils en oublièrent d’honorer l’autre. Ils ont oublié que l’être aimé garde son identité et qu’il faut respecter sa différence. Ils ont omis la façon dont s’exprime l’amour envers l’autre : “comme toi-même”. Par contre, il faut honorer l’autre au-delà de toi-même, puisqu’il est différent de toi et que vous demeurez deux entités distinctes. Je peux faire l’impasse sur le respect qui m’est dû,mais certainement pas sur celui que je dois à mon conjoint. Accepter la différence engendre de part et d’autre le sentiment de respect mutuel, il nous faut apprécier l’autre tel qu’il est et non pas tel que nous le souhaiterions, en acceptant ses habitudes (et ses petites manies). Il faut aimer son conjoint comme soi-même, mais veiller à le respecter davantage que soi-même. “Comme toi-même” est exprimé au singulier, reflétant ainsi la fusion des deux êtres, “Plus que toi-même” indique que mari et femme ont une existence distincte. Souviens-toi des paroles de nos sages qui avaient coutume de dire : “L’homme et la femme sont des êtres différents, ayant des caractères, des sentiments et une appréhension du monde différents de par leur nature.” Le respect mutuel est le vecteur d’un amour éternel, donc n’oublions pas d’honorer l’autre au quotidien !…Il est opportun de rappeler à l’homme que sa femme n’est ni son amie ni sa copine et qu’il se doit de lui parler avec déférence. Si l’on partage en couple une étude de Thora, (il ne s’agit pas d’une “Havrouta”, mais il n’empêche qu’il est bon de fixer tous les jours ce moment d’étude avec son conjoint), cela éloignera nos pensées du quotidien et élèvera nos relations à un niveau supérieur (veiller à choisir un sujet qui plaise aux deux époux).

Les compliments

Ne cherchez pas les problèmes en regardant votre vie à la loupe. Vous vous aimez et il serait regrettable, à la suite d’une phrase à double sens, de ne retenir que celui qui possède une connotation négative. N’oublions pas que votre volonté est de faire le bonheur de l’autre.Pourquoi chercher la petite bête alors que les actions de l’autre, les plus nombreuses et les plus importantes d’entre elles, n’ont qu’un but, le bien du foyer ?
Si malgré tout cela la rancune persiste, évacuez-la vite car elle est source de nuisance pour soi-même et ses proches. Le meilleur moyen de l’évacuer est, comme dit précédemment,une discussion claire, et empreinte de sérénité, en essayant d’appliquer le principe de Lekaf Zekhout .Souvenez-vous que si vous vous érigez en procureur contre votre conjoint, c’est la preuve que votre message n’a pas été compris, par manque de dialogue ou de compréhension.

Sophisme et subtilité

Il faut éviter ce que l’on nomme les piques et plus encore les plaisanteries négatives sur le compte de l’autre, à plus forte raison en présence d’autres personnes. Par exemple, si l’on vous demande depuis quand êtes-vous mariés :

  • Évitez de répondre : je la supporte depuis dix ans, car même si elle sourit, elle rit jaune et au fond d’elle-même, elle en souffre.
  • Dire à la rigueur : « Elle me supporte depuis dix ans, la pauvre ! »
  • Une bonne réponse : « J’ai eu le zhout (mérite) d’être son époux depuis dix ans. »
  • Une autre : « Dix ans de bonheur ! »
  • Si vous souhaitez exagérer, faites-le en honorant l’autre. Dite par exemple : « Je vis comme un roi depuis qu’elle m’a accepté comme époux. » ; Cette phrase lui fera sûrement plaisir.

Lorsque nous respectons quelqu’un, il ne nous viendrait pas à l’idée de nous moquer de ses défauts.Ne contredisez pas votre conjoint devant d’autres personnes.Face au monde, vous ne faites qu’un, ce qui inclut les proches et même les parents, et s’impose dans toutes situations : »lui donner raison ou se taire ». Le fait de savoir que l’autre vous soutient sans réserve raffermit la confiance de l’un envers l’autre, mais dans l’intimité, rien ne vous empêche d’éclaircir la situation et d’expliciter les raisons de votre désaccord. La contradiction est saine, à condition d’être animés par le souci de retrouver la vérité pleine et entière.Si l’on a voulu vous faire croire que les disputes font partie intégrante de la vie du couple, n’en croyez rien. Discuter, OUI,se disputer, NON ! En général, les disputes commencent par des banalités et dégénèrent en conflit généralisé.N’oublions pas la sentence qui découle de la lecture de Rambam (Maïmonide) : “Si tu te comportes avec ta femme comme avec une reine, elle t’honorera comme un roi”. Il est bon que les conjoints fixent entre eux un code de bonnes manières à appliquer dès qu’ils pressentent que la discussion va tourner au vinaigre. Ils pourront ainsi aplanir les difficultés, et terminer toute discussion dans le chalom. Le premier principe : on ne doit pas dormir en gardant en soi un soupçon de rancœur, dussions-nous en discuter jusqu’à l’aube.

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