Le chidoukh

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Le chidoukh

 

Forger l’amour véritable

Pourquoi tant de mariages sont-ils des échecs ? Et pourquoi sont-ils si nombreux à échouer si rapidement ?

Dans la paracha Haye Sarah, la Torah nous relate le premier chidoukh de l’histoire. Abraham envoie Éliézer, son fidèle serviteur, chercher une épouse pour son fils Isaac. Il revint avec Rebecca et ils vivent heureux jusqu’à la fin de leurs jours. Voilà ce que dit le verset :  »Et [Isaac] prit Rébecca, elle devint son épouse, et il l’aima ». Il apparaît ainsi que, dans le scénario biblique, le véritable amour vient après le mariage, pas avant. Pour qu’un mariage puisse se faire, il faut que deux personnes se trouvent en commun des valeurs, des aspirations mutuelles et, oui, un certain degré d’alchimie entre elles deux. Mais l’amour, le véritable amour, a besoin d’être nourri pendant un certain temps. Il ne fait aucun doute que l’une des principales causes des crises qui affectent tant de couples mariés aujourd’hui tient aux attentes irréalistes de ceux qui abordent le mariage. Notre génération a été littéralement gavée de romans d’amour, de chansons romantiques, de conseils  tirés de la rubrique  »cœur’ des tabloïds et de fictions hollywoodiennes, qui n’ont que peu de ressemblance avec la réalité.

 »Nous sommes tombés amoureux ! »,  »C’était le coup de foudre, l’amour au premier regard ». J’avoue être moi-même un peu du genre romantique, mais, très franchement,  »l’amour au premier regard » est une expression contradictoire.  »L’amour », par définition, met des années à se développer. Si vous êtes honnête aves vous-même, vous savez que la seule chose que vous puissiez ressentir au premier regard est du désir.  »L’amour au premier regard » est une monumentale fumisterie. Alors on  »tombe amoureux », en s’imaginant que c’est réel, en espérant que ce sera vrai et durable et puis, à la moindre déception, on  »tombe » pour de bon, on n’est plus amoureux. Ce qui prouve bien qu’il ne s’agissait pas à la base d’un amour véritable. L’amour véritable prend des années, c’est la conviction aboutie que nos vies sont entremêlées et inséparables quoi qu’il puisse arriver, même si mon conjoint vieillit, grossit ou perd tout son argent. Ce genre d’amour ne s’évalue pas en termes romantiques, mais à travers un engagement à long terme.

 

Il faut savoir que la première règle est la patience. L’amour prend du temps. Il a besoin d’être nourri.

Malheureusement, trop nombreux sont ceux qui abandonnent trop tôt. Deuxièmement, l’effet Hollywood nous rend si naïvement impressionnables que, au départ, nous sommes convaincus que notre partenaire devra être le Prince Charmant ou la Princesse Grâce. Alors, au premier signe d’imperfection, c’est :  »Hou là là, je me suis fait avoir ! Oubliez-moi ! » Rappelez-vous : personne n’est parfait. Pas même vous, cher(e) ami(e). A mesure que le temps passe, nous découvrons les petites imperfections de notre élu(e). Certains défauts peuvent être corrigés, avec de gentils encouragements et, encore, de la patience. Pour d’autres, il faudra apprendre à vivre avec. L’acceptation est un art. Comparez dans votre esprit l’importance toute relative de quelques défauts mineurs avec la globalité des choses. Il se peut fort que vous réalisiez que vous pouvez parfaitement vivre avec ces petits désagréments. Certes, s’il s’agit de quelque chose de grave, vous pouvez avoir besoin de recourir à un conseil professionnel. Et, en méditant sur cela, posez-vous les questions suivantes : est-ce que je cesse de m’aimer moi-même parce que je suis imparfait(e) ? Est-ce que je cesse d’aimer mes enfants parce que leurs profs disent qu’ils sont mauvais à l’école ? Bien sûr que non. Pourquoi donc ai-je du mal à aimer mon conjoint à cause de quelque défaut que je lui trouve ? Le mariage est un début, pas une fin. Si nous pouvons être raisonnables quant à nos relations, nous pouvons trouver le véritable amour. Mais cela demande du temps, de la patience et la sagesse de savoir ignorer les petites choses qui peuvent nous contrarier. Alors, avec l’aide de Dieu, avec un engagement authentique, viendront un amour authentique, une intimité, une vie de partage et d’affection, et le bonheur le plus grand et le plus durable dans notre vie personnelle. Amen.

 

 

La magie du chidoukh

Et Isaac… prit Rébecca, et elle devint sa femme, et il l’aima. (Genèse 24, 67)

Si Isaac et Rébecca s’étaient rencontrés à l’époque moderne, leur rencontre aurait pu ressembler à ceci : Isaac remarquerait Rébecca au puits et serait impressionné par sa beauté. Du coin de l’œil, il lui lancerait des regards furtifs, auxquels elle répondrait, avant de timidement se retourner. À ce point, je suppose qu’Isaac se serait tranquillement approché de Rébecca pour l’inviter à boire un café. Après avoir initialement rougi, elle l’aurait éconduit d’un haussement d’épaules. Personne n’aime paraître trop intéressé de nos jours, de peur que les sentiments ne soient pas réciproques. Il insisterait et elle, secrètement ravie, aurait l’air de se laisser convaincre à contrecœur. Ils passeraient leur première rencontre à faire impression. Isaac se montrerait galant et espèrerait la faire rire tandis que Rébecca prendrait une pose intéressée, mais évasive. Chacun se demanderait ce que l’autre pense, mais aucun n’oserait s’en enquérir. La réponse viendrait quelques jours plus tard sous la forme d’une seconde invitation. À nouveau, cette invitation paraitrait informelle, mais serait en réalité le fruit d’une intense planification et d’une impatiente agonie. Une rencontre en amènerait une autre. Ils tourneraient en rond, se demandant chacun ce que l’autre a en tête, mais trop terrifié pour le demander. Chacun se concentrant sur les sentiments de l’autre, mais trop hésitant pour révéler les siens. Les gens demanderaient à Rébecca si elle a un petit ami, et elle sourirait timidement et répondrait  »Oui ».  »Vas-tu l’épouser ? »,  »Je ne sais pas ».  »Le veux-tu ? »,  »Mais bien sûr ! »  »Alors pourquoi ne le fais-tu pas ? »,  »Eh bien, nous ne parlons pas de ces choses-là ! »

Les gens demanderaient à Isaac s’il irait proposer le mariage, et il répondrait  »Je ne suis pas sûr que Rébecca y soit prête ».  »Le lui as-tu demandé ? »  »Quoi, vous attendez que moi je le lui demande ? » Et ainsi en irait-il pendant des mois et des mois, jusqu’à ce que l’un d’entre eux prenne son courage à deux mains et pose finalement la question.

 

Un chidoukh

Heureusement pour eux, il n’en fut pas ainsi pour Isaac et Rébecca. Cette agonie leur fut épargnée lorsque leurs parents leur firent entreprendre un chidoukh. C’est bien cela : un mariage arrangé. Éliézer, le serviteur d’Abraham, se révéla un excellent marieur. Dépêché par Abraham pour trouver la parfaite fiancée, il revint avec Rébecca dans ses bagages. Ils n’hésitèrent pas une demi-seconde et se marièrent le lendemain même. S’aimaient-ils le jour de leur mariage ? Ils se connaissaient à peine. Considérons de nouveau le verset biblique cité au début :  »Et Isaac… prit Rébecca, et elle devint sa femme, et il l’aima ». D’abord elle devint sa femme, et ensuite il l’aima. Ce n’est qu’après leur mariage qu’ils découvrirent leur admiration l’un pour l’autre et, finalement, leur amour.

 

 

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