Le Mariage

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Mariage au Domaine de la Butte Ronde

Recherche un homme, un vrai

À l’attention de toutes ces demoiselles qui rêvent d’épouser un « homme viril »…

 

C’est ce qui arrive quand vous êtes célibataires. Vous ne comptez plus les heures passées à  discuter de l’amour de votre vie, lequel, à toutes fins utiles, refuse ne serait-ce que d’exister.

Et pourtant, j’étais un peu perplexe lorsque l’une de mes amies m’a décrit le genre de gars qu’elle recherchait :

«  Je veux un Homme, m’a-t-elle dit en soupirant.

Et à sa voix, on pouvait parfaitement entendre le H majuscule.

— Euh, ouais… c’est un peu ce que nous recherchons toutes. »

Ma grand-mère le répète sans arrêt. « Trouve-toi un vrai mensch ! » Comme s’il suffisait pour cela d’accrocher un ver à un hameçon. (Pour ceux et celles qui l’ignorent, le mot mensch est un terme yiddish absolument intraduisible qui décrit le parti idéal que toute grand-mère souhaite à sa petite-fille, à savoir : un homme bon, droit, honnête, intègre, responsable, travailleur et j’en passe…)

« Tu ne m’as pas comprise, rétorque mon amie. Je cherche un vrai homme. Un Homme Viril.

À présent, j’étais carrément perdue.

— Tu sais bien, a-t-elle poursuivi comme s’il s’agissait d’une évidence. Un gars avec un peu de poils sur le torse ».

Premièrement… ce genre de précisions m’écœure !

Deuxièmement, j’ai étudié la biologie à la fac. Depuis quand la présence d’un chromosome Y ne suffit-il pas pour qualifier un mâle d’Homme ? Quelles mesures quantifiables et objectives y a-t-il pour mesurer la virilité ? À partir de quel comment un individu a-t-il le droit de se déclarer Homme sur son CV ?

Dans ma quête pour identifier l’Homme Viril, j’ai découvert pas mal de différentes catégories de mâles.

L’homme macho : Il s’appelle David mais tout le monde l’appelle Rambo. Il possède un champ de tir, arbore plus de 10 tatouages et customise ses motos. Ah ! j’oubliais, il a créé un musée militaire.

L’homme chevaleresque : Nicolas est l’incarnation d’un personnage d’une série télévisée rétro. Un parfait dandy. Nico porte un chapeau melon qu’il soulève chaque fois qu’il croise une femme. Son geste n’a rien de mauvais goût. Venant de lui, il est tout à fait naturel.

L’homme réussite : Dr A est un orthopédiste de renom. Dr A a une dentition parfaite. Sa tendre épouse n’a jamais travaillé de toute sa vie. Ses enfants semblent éternellement tirés à quatre épingles. Et puis, elle a toujours, toujours, une femme de ménage à la maison.

Il existe d’autres catégories d’hommes : sensibles, puérils, curieux, brillants et j’en passe. Mais aucun d’entre eux ne correspond à l’Homme par excellence.

Alors, me direz-vous, quel est donc l’exemple d’un homme, un vrai ?

Ma réponse va vous surprendre.

Moïse.

Oui, le Moïse de la Bible. C’était un homme accompli. Non seulement il a mené un peuple entier hors de l’esclavage et rapporté les dix commandements (à deux reprises), mais en plus, Dieu communiquait fréquemment avec lui.

Pourtant, connaissez-vous le détail le plus passionnant à propos de Moïse ? C’est qu’il était un Homme par excellence.

Voyez-vous, le propre de l’Homme est sa faculté de penser. En exerçant son sens du bien et du mal. En usant du pouvoir de dépasser ses désirs et instincts bestiaux. Seul l’Homme possède la force de suivre sa boussole morale et ses croyances suprêmes pour dépasser les limites de ses instincts égocentriques.

C’est ce qui fait un être humain. C’est ce qui fait un Homme.

À une certaine occasion, Moïse sortit du palais majestueux où il vivait et assista à une scène atroce. Un contremaître égyptien était en train de rosser impitoyablement l’un de ses frères hébreux, menaçant de le tuer.

Moïse regarda à sa droite. Puis il regarda à sa gauche. Et il ne vit aucun homme.

Il entreprit alors de tuer le cruel Égyptien avant d’ensevelir sa dépouille dans le sable.

Et Dame Justice applaudit son acte.

Les sages juifs expliquent qu’en réalité, de nombreuses personnes se tenaient à la droite et à la gauche de Moïse. Ces témoins observaient la scène avec horreur. Mais aucun d’entre eux ne fut suffisamment homme pour défendre cette juste cause.

Savoir faire la distinction entre le bien et mal est une chose, mais avoir le courage d’affirmer ses positions  face à l’adversité… voilà qui demande de la force. Voilà qui demande d’être un Homme avec un H majuscule.

Alors, vous souhaitez trouver un Homme Viril ? Un vrai homme ?

Trouvez l’homme qui, enfant, défendait ses petits camarades victimes de harcèlement scolaire. Trouvez l’homme qui, adolescent, renonçait à son interclasse pour aider son voisin de table à résoudre ses exos de maths. Trouvez l’homme qui, une fois père, sera prêt à sacrifier quelques dizaines d’euros de plus pour lire une histoire à ses enfants à l’heure du coucher. Trouvez l’homme qui, une fois époux, sera capable de pardonner facilement.

Trouvez un type qui est capable d’entendre une opinion contraire à la sienne sans pour autant perdre son sang-froid.

Vous voulez un homme, un vrai ?

Oubliez vos poils sur le torse ; moi je préfère un mensch !

 

 

Qu’est-ce que l’Amour ?

Dépend-il de la bonne rencontre ?

«  Est-ce que quelqu’un pourrait définir l’amour ? 

La définition communément adoptée pour définir l’amour c’est :

 « L’amour est le sentiment que l’on ressent lorsque l’on rencontre la bonne personne.  »

Voici comment de nombreuses personnes abordent une relation. Consciemment ou inconsciemment, elles pensent que l’amour est un sentiment (reposant sur une attraction physique et émotionnelle) qui se manifeste spontanément et comme par magie, lorsque la bonne personne apparaît. Et qui se désintègre tout aussi facilement, quand la magie n’est plus là. On peut tomber amoureux et cesser de l’être. Le mot clé est la passivité.

Pourtant « Il n’existe pratiquement aucune autre activité ou entreprise que l’on commence avec des espoirs et des attentes aussi élevés, et qui pourtant, échouent tout aussi souvent, que l’amour« .

L’amour est le sentiment d’attachement qui naît de notre appréciation de ce qu’il y a de bon en l’autre. Le mot « bon » peut surprendre. Après tout, dans la plupart des histoires d’amour, on ne présente pas les deux amants comme séduits par les qualités morales de l’autre. ( » Je suis captivée par tes valeurs !  » lui dit-il passionnément.  » Et moi, je n’avais jamais rencontré un homme aussi intègre !  » avoue-t-elle avec feu.)

Pourtant, dans les études sur les mariages réussis, il s’avère que  » la valeur que ces couples avaient attribuée aux qualités morales de leur partenaire fut une découverte inattendue « .

La vision juive du mariage

En ce qui concerne la vision juive du mariage, cette découverte n’est pas du tout surprenante. Ce que nous aimons chez nous, nous l’apprécions également chez les autres. Dieu nous a créés pour que nous voyons le bon qui se trouve en nous (d’où notre besoin de relativiser, de regretter nos erreurs). De la même manière, nous recherchons aussi le bon en l’autre. Une belle apparence, une personnalité engageante, de l’intelligence et du talent (toutes choses qui ont de l’importance) peuvent nous séduire, mais la bonté est ce qui éveillera notre amour.

L’AMOUR EST UN CHOIX

L’amour naît de notre appréciation de l’autre, mais il ne se manifeste pas uniquement par lui. Nous pouvons le susciter, nous pouvons le créer. Il suffit de se focaliser sur le bon qui se trouve en l’autre (et chacun en possède un peu). Si nous nous habituons à le faire, nous aimerons facilement.

 

Notre travail pour faire réussir l’amour dans notre couple, c’est de voir de manière naturelle le bon en chacun de nous. En fait, le Judaïsme recherche cet amour universel et inconditionnel.

Bien évidemment, la route est longue avant de parvenir à cet amour profond et personnel qui apparaît au fil des ans, notamment dans le cadre du mariage. Mais voir le bien est déjà un début.

Suzanne ne découvrit comment fonder l’amour qu’après s’être fiancée avec David. Quand elle téléphona à ses parents pour leur annoncer la bonne nouvelle, ils furent enchantés. À la fin de la conversation, sa mère lui dit :
 » Chérie, je veux que tu saches que nous t’aimons, et que nous aimons David.  »
Suzanne exprima son doute: » Maman,  » dit-elle hésitante, «  j’apprécie vraiment ton affection, mais en toute honnêteté, comment peux-tu dire que tu aimes quelqu’un que tu n’as jamais vu ?  »
 » Ce que je veux dire, c’est que nous choisissons de l’aimer,  » expliqua sa mère, «  parce que l’amour est un choix.  »
C’est là le conseil le plus sage que la mère de Suzanne pouvait offrir à sa fille avant son mariage.

NOS ACTIONS AFFECTENT NOS SENTIMENTS

La meilleure façon d’être aimant, c’est d’aimer – et cela veut dire donner

Maintenant que nous éprouvons tellement de sympathie pour le genre humain, comment pouvons-nous approfondir notre amour pour l’autre ?
Dieu nous a créés de telle sorte que nos actions influent considérablement sur nos sentiments. Par exemple, si nous voulons montrer plus de compassion, avoir des pensées bienveillantes peut nous y aider, mais donner la tsédaka (aumône) nous y conduira plus certainement. De la même manière, la meilleure façon d’être aimant, c’est d’aimer – et cela veut dire donner.

Si la plupart des gens pensent que c’est l’amour qui nous pousse à donner, la vérité (telle que Rav Eliahou Dessler l’écrit dans son célèbre essai sur la bonté) est l’exactement à l’opposé :  » Donner nous conduit à aimer « .

Quand un bricoleur enthousiaste annonce joyeusement à sa femme, très peu portée sur la mécanique :  » Chérie, attends de voir ce que je t’ai acheté pour ton anniversaire – une boîte à outil avec trois compartiments ! « , cela ne s’appelle pas donner.  De même, lorsqu’un père force son fils à jouer du violon, parce que lui-même a toujours rêvé de devenir virtuose, cela ne s’appelle pas donner.

Manifester un intérêt réel pour la vie et l’épanouissement de l’autre

Le don véritable requiert quatre éléments. Le premier est l’attention, manifester un intérêt réel pour la vie et l’épanouissement de l’autre. Le second est la responsabilité, répondre à ses besoins, qu’ils soient exprimés ou non (dans une relation entre adultes, il s’agira alors de besoins émotionnels). Le troisième est le respect, la capacité de voir l’autre tel qu’il (ou elle) est, être conscient de l’unicité de son identité et, par conséquent, souhaiter voir l’autre s’épanouir, en accord avec cette identité. Ces trois éléments dépendent tous du quatrième, la connaissance. On ne peut être attentionné envers l’autre, lui répondre et le/la respecter, que dans la mesure où nous le/la connaissons.

S’OUVRIR AUX AUTRES

L’effet d’un don sincère et altruiste est profond. Il nous permet de pénétrer le monde de chacun et d’apprécier le bon qui se trouve en lui. En même temps, cela implique que nous investissions une partie de nous-mêmes en l’autre, ce qui nous permet de l’aimer, autant que nous nous aimons nous-mêmes.

Plus on donne, plus on aime. C’est pourquoi nos parents (qui nous ont donné bien plus que nous ne le saurons jamais) nous aiment sans aucun doute plus que nous ne les aimons nous-mêmes, et nous, en retour, aimons nos enfants plus qu’ils ne nous aiment.

Parce qu’un amour profond et intime émane de la connaissance et du don, il ne peut apparaître en une nuit, il est le fruit du temps. En d’autres mots, il apparaîtra seulement après le mariage.

Ce sentiment intense que de nombreux couples ressentent avant de se marier est généralement une grande tendresse, sublimée par la vie commune, l’alchimie et l’anticipation. Ce sont des graines d’amour, qui doivent encore germer.

Le jour du mariage, les émotions s’envolent, mais le véritable amour se trouve à son niveau le plus bas. Parce que cet amour doit grandir, au fur et à mesure que le mari et la femme se donneront l’un à l’autre.

 » Chaque relation connaît ses hauts et ses bas ». «  Les bas peuvent être vraiment terribles – et quand ils le sont, nous avons trois solutions : partir, vivre un mariage sans amour, ou choisir d’aimer notre mari.  »

Une relation s’épanouit lorsque les deux partenaires s’engagent à agir de manière aimante, par un don continuel et inconditionnel. Non pas en disant simplement  » je t’aime « , mais aussi en le montrant.

 

 

 

TOUT POUR PLAIRE ? ALORS POURQUOI TOUJOURS CELIBATAIRE ?

 

La culture de l’illusion

Une nouvelle philosophie s’est emparée de l’Occident, une philosophie que l’on pourrait appeler l’instantanéisme. Celle-ci vient se greffer à la culture égocentrique du « tout m’est dû » qui prévaut depuis les années 70 et qui explique pourquoi les gens d’aujourd’hui ont moins de patience et moins de tolérance pour les défauts que par le passé. Est-ce les retombées de la restauration rapide, des actualités en temps réel, de  la messagerie instantanée ? Toujours est-il que dans ce contexte de gratification immédiate, nous espérons succomber au coup de foudre tout de suite et nous n’avons pas la patience de fournir les efforts nécessaires pour apprendre à connaître le caractère d’une personne, ses objectifs et ses valeurs. Autant de facteurs sont pourtant les conditions sine qua non d’une relation à long terme réussie.

À la place, nous nous concentrons sur le superficiel ou le transitoire : un tour de taille hollywoodien, des biceps à la James Bond, une excellente situation financière.  Or de telles considérations détournent l’attention de ce qui importe vraiment dans une relation.

Le matérialisme est endémique. Attente d’une bague de fiançailles au prix exorbitant, vision d’un mariage somptueux et d’une maison luxueuse.

Parmi les personnes les plus engagées dans la religion, il y a aussi le critère de l’ascendance, une espèce de pression inflexible d’entrer uniquement dans une famille sans tache, issue d’une lignée prestigieuse. D’après ce critère, il s’avère que si nos patriarches vivaient aujourd’hui, ils seraient restés célibataires : le père d’Abraham était un idolâtre invétéré, Isaac avait un frère arabe extrémiste, et le jumeau de Jacob était un truand… Bon nombre d’entre nous pensons que les gens possèdent une certaine « valeur marchande » calculée à partir d’indices tels la santé, l’apparence, le rang social, le niveau d’éducation, et ainsi de suite. Au moment de choisir notre conjoint, nous comparons cette valeur marchande avec la nôtre, comme s’il s’agissait de faire « la meilleure affaire possible ».

Le seul hic, c’est que les relations interpersonnelles ne fonctionnent pas de cette manière. Que l’amour n’obéit pas aux règles du marché. Et que cette volonté puérile de mesurer les autres à l’aune de l’avoir plutôt que de l’être peut nous barrer à tout jamais la route de la vie à deux : ce que nous désirons sera impossible à obtenir, et ce que nous pouvons obtenir sera indésirable.

Ne nous faisons pas d’illusion : la perfection n’est pas de ce monde. Et quand bien même ce serait le cas, l’ironie veut que ce soit plutôt l’imperfection qui soit garante d’un mariage heureux. Car c’est elle qui laisse de la latitude au travail sur soi, et qui permet à chaque partenaire d’apporter une contribution unique et significative au développement de l’autre. La compatibilité, bien que primordiale, n’est qu’un des facteurs clés d’un mariage heureux, l’autre étant l’effort fourni en permanence par les deux partenaires pour entretenir la flamme.

 

Trouver son Mazal

Comment trouver sa véritable âme sœur ?

« Comment savoir si la personne que je vais épouser est mon véritable Mazal ? ».

« La réponse importe peu. Prendre la relation au sérieux, investir, tous les efforts pour qu’elle s’épanouisse au mieux et le/la fiancé(e) deviendra alors ton Mazal. »

Le Mazal est l’une des notions les plus confuses et difficiles à appréhender de la vie juive. En effet, le Talmud affirme que 40 jours avant la formation du fœtus, une voix céleste décrète d’en haut qui doit être destiné à qui, mais elle ne nous donne pas d’autres indications sur les choix pratiques que nous devons faire pour répondre à cette prédestination.

En réalité, cette notion peut se transformer en piège. Elle nous conduit à guetter des signes et autres présages, nous pousse à observer les voies mystérieuses de l’univers qui nous ont réunis, mais nous fait ignorer les éléments fondamentaux nécessaires pour créer une relation solide et épanouissante.

Le fait incroyable de n’être « jamais » allé dans ce magasin auparavant, de ne jamais s’être trouvé à tel endroit à cette heure, d’acheter exactement les mêmes choses avant de vous connaître, constitue de belles anecdotes à raconter (ou non) à vos petits-enfants, mais ne démontre en rien la gentillesse ou la fidélité de votre dulcinée.

La lune, les étoiles et toute l’aura magique qui vous entourent, ne donnent aucune indication sur son caractère et ne vous aident en aucun cas à savoir si votre élu est honnête et digne de confiance.

Et tout son charme et sa séduction ne nous apprendront rien sur sa capacité à tenir la route sur une longue distance, sur la valeur qu’il accorde au mot « responsabilité ».
C’est pourquoi je recommande vivement que si l’on éprouve le besoin de parler du Mazal (et il semble que cela soit le cas !), qu’on le fasse en fin de discussion et non au début.

Lorsque deux personnes décident de partager leur vie, si elles se basent sur des valeurs communes et une bonne disposition de caractère, si elles choisissent de s’investir chacune sérieusement, elles parviendront alors à créer un mariage sain.

Le mazal est le résultat obtenu après de longues années d’efforts et de joie partagés, de chagrin et de fêtes, de larmes et de rires.

En travaillant dur, en se dévouant sans cesse à l’autre, les deux conjoints créeront un lien irrévocable. Par leurs activités, leur temps passé en famille, leur engagement communautaire, ils approfondiront leur unité. Le sentiment d’intimité et d’harmonie qui les liera ne fera que croître au fil du temps.

Le Mazal, c’est le résultat obtenu après s’être acquitté de ses devoirs, après avoir placé les besoins de l’autre avant nos propres besoins. Et c’est enfin aussi ce qu’on obtient quand on décide de continuer, d’aller de l’avant sans se soucier de l’état de la route. Le Mazal, c’est le résultat obtenu après de longues années d’efforts et de joie partagés, de chagrin et de fêtes, de larmes et de rires.

Dans le mot Mazal, il y a également une dimension quelque peu mystique – il vient lorsqu’on ne le recherche pas, lorsqu’on ne le poursuit pas activement, lorsqu’on ne se laisse pas berner par des illusions superficielles et une pseudo-spiritualité.

Le mazal est le résultat obtenu après avoir passé son temps à donner de soi, de sa chaleur et de son attention, après avoir créé une véritable unité conjugale à partir de deux entités séparées.

Il est vrai que tout est entre les mains du Tout-Puissant, mais pas nécessairement de la manière dont nous l’imaginons. Si nous faisons réellement tout ce qu’il faut, ne ménageant ni nos efforts ni notre peine, pour faire en sorte que notre mariage réussisse, le Tout-Puissant accomplit alors un miracle – et nous fait prendre conscience, même si nous ne l’avions pas réalisé au début, que la personne que nous avons épousée est véritablement notre Mazal.

À la lumière de tout ce que nous venons d’expliquer, vous allez sans doute réussir très prochainement à trouver l’âme sœur et grâce aux pages qui suivent vous allez pouvoir préparer votre mariage, alors, bonne lecture !

 

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